How often do you feel that you’re not “in tune” with the people around you, or that no one really knows the real you? How often do you feel that there’s no one you can turn to when you’re going through a rough time? How often do you feel left out, or that your relationships with others are not as deep or meaningful as you’d like?
If you experience these feelings often, you’re not alone. A recent US survey from 2018 found that loneliness has reached “epidemic levels” in contemporary American society, with the youngest respondents (Generation Z, 18-22 years old) reporting the highest level of loneliness, followed by millennials (23-37 years old). Due to globalization, it’s likely that this trend is not only limited to the US but is also emergent in other parts of the world. If you ask a friend or a family member, it’s probable that they too have experienced some degree of loneliness at some point in their lives, whether they are younger or older, male or female.
So what exactly is loneliness? “Loneliness” is when we feel that our needs for belonging and social connection are not met—it’s the negative feeling associated with our perception that the quantity or quality of our social relationships aren’t fulfilling our social needs.
It’s important to emphasize that loneliness is perceived social isolation: it’s how we feel about our social relationships, regardless of the actual number of social connections (e.g., how many friends or acquaintances) we have. In other words, even if we have tens or thousands of friends and are surrounded by many people in a classroom or office or household, we can still feel lonely. At the same time, being alone doesn’t necessarily mean being lonely— needless to say, there are times when we enjoy being by ourselves, having our privacy. Hence, loneliness is when we subjectively feel lonely—it’s the negative emotion of disconnect and disengagement, feeling unaccepted or unsupported.
Specific situations can induce feelings of loneliness: perhaps you have no one to sit with in class or during lunch, or you are the last one chosen for a team. But beyond specific circumstances, modern society itself may also exacerbate the prevalence of loneliness, specifically the increased use of technology in social communication. Interestingly, contrary to our intuitions, the US survey revealed that increased social media use is not directly associated with increased loneliness. Indeed, social media and online communication certainly have their social benefits and may even buffer against loneliness— these days it’s easier than ever to keep in touch with friends or family who live apart.
However, the downside is that social media can also give the illusion of connectedness—we know that we are always connected through the internet with others—but simply being “connected” online does not necessarily fulfill our need to feel a deep and meaningful emotional connection to others. At the same time, even if we meet up with someone face-to-face, our need for social connection may not be met because your companions (or even you yourself!) are busy looking at the screen and not engaging in attentive conversation with each other (“society glued to the screen”). In other words, being physically present but mentally absent can prevent people from establishing emotional connectedness with one another.
Psychological research has shown that loneliness can take a toll on our physiological and mental health, as well as our cognitive functioning. Those who feel chronic loneliness have a poorer quality of life, such as poorer sleep quality and impaired control over eating behavior. In the long run, loneliness is also associated with physical conditions such as diabetes, heart disease, and blood pressure. Our psychological and cognitive health also take a toll—loneliness is associated with depression, anxiety, increased perceived stress, along with decreased optimism and self-esteem. In older adults, loneliness is a precursor for cognitive decline, and may even lead to early death.
Thus, loneliness is not to be taken lightly. Research shows that the brain responds to social pain (e.g., loneliness) similarly to physical pain (e.g., a papercut or a broken ankle). Our experience of social connection is deeply tied to our physiological and emotional equilibrium. The implication from psychological research is that loneliness is a warning sign that you should attend to your well-being.
So what can you do when you experience loneliness?
Many people choose to do something that distracts them from the loneliness—they might binge watch series or movies while binge eating something, they might play online games, or they might scroll idly through pictures and posts on social media. And sometimes this works well as a temporary distraction. However, oftentimes it’s not a sustainable solution, especially if you feel chronic loneliness. That’s because these distraction activities are only temporary fixes that bury or ignore the problem for a short while—they don’t address the feeling of loneliness directly. Thus, you might go back to feeling lonely after you stop doing the distraction activities.
A better option is to directly address your perception of unmet social needs, such as the following suggestions:
(1) Improving the quality of relationships: You can reach out and seek social support from close friends, family members or relatives, or an acquaintance you haven’t seen in a while. It would be ideal if you can seek someone with whom you can engage in a meaningful interaction face-to-face, without either party focused on checking their phone or computer. Practice attentive listening and being fully present with your conversation partner.
One restaurant in the US started putting out boxes on the table for diners to put their phones into, so that diners can be more attentive to their dining partner(s) during their meal together. The diners reported that the meal was more enjoyable without their phones, and felt like their interactions during the meal were more fulfilling. In-person interaction is the best remedy for loneliness, but if meeting your loved ones in-person isn’t possible (i.e., you live or work far away), even just setting up a weekly phone/video call can help mitigate feelings of loneliness.
(2) Cognitive reappraisal: It’s important to remember that although you can’t change some situations, you can always choose how you respond to it. With the awareness that loneliness is perceived social isolation, you can try changing your perspective or perception.
Is the glass half empty (focusing on what you lack) or half full (focusing on what you already have)? Remind yourself of the people in your life who care about you and love you—you can make a list of the things in your life that you are grateful to have. You may feel alone right now, but know that you are not alone. Also, instead of thinking that you are lacking emotional connection and that you need someone else to give it to you, you can shift the perspective to giving others the social support that they need—is there someone in your life who you could reach out to? Psychological research shows that care providers enjoy many benefits: helping others helps you too!
(3) Buddhist insights: Acknowledge and understand the feeling of loneliness that you are experiencing. Remember that it’s your subjective interpretation of the situation. And just like all things in this world, feelings are not permanent. You don’t have to dwell on this negative emotion and make yourself feel worse. Instead, you can acknowledge the feeling with kind understanding, allow yourself to feel it fully, and learn to live with this emotion that is a natural part of human life. Remind yourself that you are not the only one who goes through this. Everyone feels lonely sometimes.
But if you feel like loneliness is unbearably painful and is interfering with your daily life, remember that you can reach out and talk to a psychologist or counselor. Psychological pain deserves your attention and care, just like any other physical pain or ache. Hang in there!
References
Cacioppo, J. T., & Hawkley, L. C. (2009). Perceived social isolation and cognition. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 13(10), 447-454.
Hawkley, L. C., & Capitanio, J. P. (2015). Perceived social isolation, evolutionary fitness and health outcomes: a lifespan approach. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, 370(1669), 20140114.
Heinrich, L. M., & Gullone, E. (2006). The clinical significance of loneliness: A literature review. Clinical Psychology Review, 26(6), 695-718.
Masi, C. M., Chen, H. Y., Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2011). A meta-analysis of interventions to reduce loneliness. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 15(3), 219-266.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/14/technology/dinner-without-cellphone.html
